Written By: Michael Sandoval

The Travel Through Life

“Courage is Resistance to Fear”

As I stepped into the car at 7 in the morning, the brisk mist of the valley (El Valle, Spain) effortlessly traveled through the tiny crevices of my seasonal attire. Mixed emotions weighed heavily on my heart making it difficult for me to help but feel a sense of uncertainty. Although deep down inside I felt the excitement of traveling to a different country to do what I love to do most, the sadness of leaving behind my dream and future for the time being was wearing on me.

What was it about traveling that I adored so much? It couldn’t possibly be the long lines; stress or built up anxiety of the unknown could it? Maybe it was the feeling and knowledge that I was excessively soaring within the miraculous pillows of gas vapors that we call clouds, directly dangling over the mysterious deep blue sea.

Was that it? Did I love to travel because it reminded me of how my life was a map of continuous uncertainties? Did I enjoy the anxiety of never knowing if the map would ever lead me to the place where I longed to be? As I sat on the plane and thought about the many things that were currently happening within my existence, I realized that the act of traveling was indeed very much like the life that I lived… 

Full of excitement, demanding, restless and even sometimes scary! 

The roller coaster of “life” can sometimes take us through dips that are unfamiliar and gruesome. These difficult downward plunges can often steal a certain portion of our confidence and most often prevent us from experiencing things that could have possibly made our lives favorable. It is the discomfort and the unknown that creates the fear inside of us. The tension and anxiety builds within our blood system making our hearts beat rapidly like the sounds of the marching bass drums providing the pulse to soldiers anxiously waiting the time of battle. It is sometimes those tensions that make us feel insecure. Those insecurities often prevent us from accomplishing the goals within our lives. We find the easy way; the way that allows us to feel less of that anxious stress. For as long as I can remember I have thrived on that tension and anxiety; and although I have spent a life time attempting to manage the fearing result of apprehension, it always seems to find its way back during the most difficult times. 

The last few weeks have not been easy. I have done a very good job of hiding my fear and preventing the world from noticing that my stress level was at its all-time high. The feeling has been lonely. Not because I didn’t have people who cared for me, but because my personal need to keep my sentiments internal made me feel as though I was alone on a deserted island. During these dark hours the mind plays uproarious games. The kinds of games that make you feel like less of a person and more like an insignificant part of this universe. 

These feelings may have been around for longer than I initially considered. I continued to tell myself that it was all for good reason. It was all for the future of my business and the ultimate gratification of success; but at what cost? 

Before my travels, I attained an entire medical examination. The results of my tests exhibited that my blood pressure was at a dangerous level and that my liver and kidneys may have been impacted because of the negligence. I was told the level of stress that I was putting myself under played a tremendous role in my condition. If I did not mitigate the destructive effects of the stress in my life I could be drastically troubled. 

I am not going to lie, although knowing about my condition was a good thing (so that I could medicate myself) it added another almost unbearable difficulty. It felt like I was being kicked while I was down. Things started to become a little too unmanageable and I decided that it needed to change. I reflected on when I was younger. How was I able to deal with life when things were scary and hard? How did I overcome that “monster in the closet”; or the gigantic blue abyss that in realty was the neighborhood public pool? 

I remember when the state fair would arrive into town every year. I was young, so you can imagine my excitement. Along with the enthusiasm came the anxiety. Each year I waited for the moment that I could step foot onto those fairgrounds with a new found courage and ability to stomach the thought of riding the scariest ride that ever existed…  “The Zipper”! 

“The Zipper” was not just any ride; it was the ride of all rides! It was my arch nemesis! 

Its iron maiden structured “coffins” stood vast as they waited patiently for victims to enter. The strong Iron structure resembled that of a Decepticon sent here from a different planet to torture children. The sounds of its clanking cages in addition to the whooshing air brakes and the chugging machinery made “The Zipper” come to life with a characteristic that could have been mistaken for that of mechanical demon. 

Legend has it that every year at least 6 children would die as the hellhound would travel the country blinding us with its miraculous thrill. 

The ear-splitting sounds of screaming children filled the air as the carnival attendants sang their rhythmic cadence.. “Step right up…. Step right up”!!! Thundering balloons popping and the explosive sirens unexpectedly chiming would always make me feel as if I was walking through a large stadium about to enter the boxing ring for the world title match. The smells of buttery popcorn and the site of the silky clouds of cotton candy would put me at easy as I walk towards the “temple of doom” and its flickering-colored bulbs of blinding lights. As I arrive to the end of the fair, I realized that the time had come. I looked up at the “monster” and the world seemed to have come to a sudden halt! I felt as if everyone was looking at me wondering if I would ever enter the ring and defeat my enemy once and for all. 

I must have stood in line for hours hoping that the front would never show. The closer I got the more I could hear the riotous sounds of the “Beast”. Inevitably I reached the front. 

“Wake up son you’re holding up the ride”, Said the hillbilly carny (traveling carnival worker). 

It was time!  As I stepped into the clattering cage, my heart began to lift from my chest and I realized that the hardest part was over; I was in!